Nov 30, 2011

Texts from Bennett

I don't know or care if this is made up, it made me laugh.

Nov 29, 2011

Christian rock 'n' roll

Fortune cookie

Do you know that game where you add "in bed" to fortunes you get in Chinese cookies?

Nov 28, 2011

Useful Friday

If you keep forgetting who borrowed your stuff:

Nov 22, 2011

Worst employee stories

From reddit:

One employee over the course of one year. She's since been fired.

The first 30 minutes of my first day she storms into my office, hands on her hips, and says "I'm Vicki!"

"Hi Vicki, I'm [name]."

"I know that you computer people can see everything. And if you hack my bank accounts, I'll sue you!!!"

"Well Vicki, don't use company resources to conduct your personal banking and we shouldn't have a problem."

She didn't speak to me for three months.

Another time I told her to look something up on Wikipedia.

She replies "Oh, I don't use Wikipedia."

"Why not?"

"I don't support the Wiccans."

She denied an insurance claim where a reindeer had bitten a farm-hand on the hand.

"Vicki, why did you deny this claim?"

"Because the insured says he was bitten by a reindeer."

"Yeah.... so?"

(In a very sarcastic tone) "Well, what do you think happened? A reindeer just swooped down out of the sky and bit the guy??"

She didn't know that a reindeer was an actual animal.

She tells me one day her husband is a really great guy because he spends his free time helping to "clean up the internet."

I ask her what she means and she told me she found a bunch of porn in husbands web browser history. He informed her that he goes to porn sites to download the porn off of the internet servers onto his computer so that he can delete it. Apparently there's a lot of porn on the internet, but he was trying to do what he could to remove as much of it as possible - for the children and all...

She actually believes that he is doing this and uses it as a bragging point to show what a great guy her husband is in conversations.

More here.

Nov 21, 2011

Only one way to say it

This is f***ing cool

Faber Castell

Nov 17, 2011

Nov 16, 2011

Selling skillz

This guy is badass

Nov 15, 2011

Victoria's Secret Angels

What does it take to be a Victoria's Secret Angel?
She sees a nutritionist, who has measured her body's muscle mass, fat ratio and levels of water retention. He prescribes protein shakes, vitamins and supplements to keep Lima's energy levels up during this training period. Lima drinks a gallon of water a day. For nine days before the show, she will drink only protein shakes - "no solids". The concoctions include powdered egg. Two days before the show, she will abstain from the daily gallon of water, and "just drink normally". Then, 12 hours before the show, she will stop drinking entirely.

Nov 14, 2011

What should I drink?

What should I drink while listening to _________________?

Nov 11, 2011

Useful Friday

Make any web page print friendly:

Nov 9, 2011

He is back

The dontevenreply genius is back:
Special Skaters
Original ad:
Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.

From Me to ************@**********.org


I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.

I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.


From Judy ******* to Me:


I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.


From Me to Judy *******:

Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn't fair, if you ask me.


Nov 7, 2011

Nov 3, 2011


Nov 2, 2011

My soulmate

Rescued from the spam folder:

Ron Swanson